This was supposed to be a review of Eddington. No, this is not some meta-joke in which I am imitating Ari Aster’s genre-bending flair by warping my own critical style. That would have been a great idea. Almost as good as Aster directing Morbius, which is a thing I literally just found out almost happened in real life.
Long story short: I wasn’t able to make the screening, which left me scrambling. What could I possibly review for my legion of loyal fan.
Editor’s note: That was not a typo. Ryan has exactly one “fan,” a friend he knows reads all his stuff. Shout out to Andrew!
Luckily, I remembered I have watched about 10 movies this year that I didn’t bother reviewing. That’s because either they were too old or bad (mostly the bad part). So here are 10 bite-sized review nuggets for you to feast upon.
Old Guard 2
As someone who loved the first film, it shocked me how repellant this was. If you’re unfamiliar, the concept is that Charlize Theron leads a squad of immortal assassins who do cool punching and kicking to fun music. Except, in this one, the punching and kicking is uncool and the music is bad. Theron is capable of doing virtually anything, but even she can’t snake charm a crap script into wiggling pleasingly.
Grade = D
The Ritual
Mamma mia, that’s a spicy demonic possession! For some reason, they made a movie based on the same source material as The Exorcist. So this finally answers the question: What if, instead of being the scariest movie of all time, The Exorcist made you hate the invention of film? Al Pacino is doing his best take on Russell Crowe in The Pope’s Exorcist, another irredeemably bad movie. I would be interested in a Marvel/DC-style crossover film where Pacino and Crowe cross streams with their bad European accents to defeat the devil. Dan Stevens can be there to watch. Speaking of watch, when it comes to this one: Don’t.
Grade = F
Rebel Ridge
Good news! I did squeeze exactly one excellent film into this proverbial chocolate box filled with assorted turds. Writer/director Jeremy Saulnier’s taut thriller was absolutely, positively captivating. The tale of a military man (Aaron Pierre) who runs afoul of a small town’s corrupt police force is the leanest, cleanest flick I’ve watched in a while. That’s largely because Pierre crackles with quiet charisma. Saulnier lets the slow burn sizzle, opting for an understated climax that keeps the whole thing on the right-side of almost realistic. This is one of those movies I immediately recommended to everyone I knew. Now I’m recommending it to you as well!
Grade = A
Fountain of Youth
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to watch an Indiana Jones movie and root against Indiana Jones? Wonder no more! For a few years now, I’ve wondered if everyone (including the man himself) has overcalculated John Krasinski’s likeability. At least director Guy Ritchie’s latest can confirm that. The nicest thing I can say about this dull, drab “adventure” flick that wanted so badly to at least be National Treasure is that I fully believed Natalie Portman and Krasinski as siblings. Mostly because she very clearly had palpable unattraction to whatever he was doing here.
Grade = D-
The Accountant2
I almost liked The Accountant Squared. As a reluctant Ben Affleck apologist (on screen only) and a proud Jon Bernthal advocate, they almost got me here. Affleck returns his autistic murderer from nearly-decade-old, marginally-popular original film. And this time, he has…a team of autistic orphans working with him. And we’re supposed to think that is a good thing for some reason? Things explode and stuff, and I could listen to Bernthal angrily yell into a phone about how he’d make a good pet parent for a full two hours, but if you think about what’s actually happening for more than a few seconds in a row, it’s like licking a battery.
Grade = C-
The Severed Sun
Another near-hit! A British folk-horror jam that follows a cult in the middle of nowhere, this features a main character named Magpie (Emma Appleton), an objectively wonderful name. This is a witch hunt-centric period piece that doesn’t drown itself in a river of pretension, a la Robert Eggers. Instead, it says…not a whole lot really about religion and not a whole lot different than has been said before by better films of the same ilk. There is promise here though, as it was writer/director Dean Puckett’s debut. I would watch more from him, especially if he wants to helm that Pacino/Crowe exorcism accent-off I mentioned above.
Grade = C+
Nonnas
The real-life story of a restaurant where a bunch of grandmothers share their family recipes is very nice. It’s one of those things that you read about or have someone tell you a bit about and you say “Oh, that’s nice.” I bet is nice to eat there. What is not nice is watching a few hours of Vince Vaughn. His character has no character here, in that he has no personality beyond Vaughn delivering dialogue that’s kind in ways that feel aggressive. You know, like he literally always does. It’s hard to get super mad at this, but I tried.
Grade = C-
G20
I don’t believe in guilty pleasures, in that if a movie gives you pleasure, there’s no reason to feel guilty about it. That’s why they exist. But if I did have a genre that counted as a guilty pleasure, it would be schlocky action nonsense with a high-concept premise. You simply cannot come up with a dumb enough premise for me. Casting luminary goddess Viola Davis as a former military bad-ass turned president of the United States was almost an embarrassment of riches. My only complaint is that it held back. Every moment spent on exposition of the unnecessarily complicated plot was a moment Davis was not shooting at stuff.
Grade = C
Heart Eyes
Maybe the first ever horror rom-com, the only problem with Heart Eyes was that it couldn’t quite deliver on any of those three elements. The concept is fine: Every year, the titular serial killer shows up to whack couples on Valentine’s day. One problem is that I didn’t buy the chemistry between the couple, played by Oliva Holt and Mason Gooding. The second is that the slasher bits aren’t creative enough. The third is that the “comedy” consisted of “Well, that just happened” style one-liners more than genuine scripted humor. I applaud the effort and experimentation, but you had to hit on one of the three!
Grade = D+
Cleaner
The second film on this list to prominently feature autism amid copious action, Cleaner is Die Hard with more hygiene. Daisy Ridley plays a former soldier who looks after her autistic brother, who is inside the high-rise building she is window-washing when it gets taken over by terrorists. Ridley does a surprisingly great job here, but once again, someone behind the scenes was convinced what everyone wanted here was more plot. Also, for a film that’s entire concept is “window washer action movie,” nowhere near enough action scenes take place on scaffolding. This should have been torture for people afraid of heights but is mostly just anguish-inducing for people who like stuff that’s good.
Grade = D
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